less than 'perfect' - NO MATTER WHAT!

i just got done with a really realy great workout. lots of sweat, muscles burning, cardio, weights, plank, stretching... it was a.w.e.s.o.m.e!!!

and i got done at 9:15 p.m.

when i've lost weight before, tried to get healthy before, i always put parameters on when i *had* to exercise, when was the best time, the best level, how, where, when, why etc. etc. etc. ...

and that went down the toilet tonight!!! YEAH!!!

i felt so good working out tonight - because i did it - no matter what! and who cares if my metabolism is up before bed... i did it! no matter what! and whatever the complaint or question or anything that's going on in my head... it doesn't matter - at all - becuase i did it! NO MATTER WHAT!!!

down 2.6! for a total of 11.6!!!

so that's alright!!!

i know i've already said this, but i love and lifetime fitness. it's just such a perfect combination for me right now. sparkpeople has the BEST array of services i've seen EVER - and   for    F R E E!!!!!!!!

and i've just completely 100% enjoyed lifetime. some of the staff are exceptionally nice. most of the staff are good, even. i've only run into a very few who either don't look happy or unhappy bordering on mean... i love the equipment, i love that my friend goes there with me, i'm comfortable - or forced myself to be - and done a variety of things (cardio, strength/weights, *yoga*!!!, hottub! bymyself even!), and i've just really tried to make it my own!!

PLUS i've decided this weekend i'm going to do the indoortri in may! i think it'll be something to work toward, it'll be a great measure (do it this year, do it next year - see how great i improved!), and i just wanna! it says it's for all fitness levels, and what do i have to loose? NOTHING!, i looked at last years results today and the gal who came in last place in my group? i have to think i can do as well as she did. her results: 12 lengths of the pool (i wonder if that's one way or down and back?), 8.9 bike miles, 1.51 treadmill miles. it's 10-30-20 minutes... so 12 lengths of the pool in 10 minutes (i should be able to do that if it's one way), 9 miles biked in 30 minutes (that doesn't seem like a huge amount on a studio bike), and FOR SURE 1.5 miles on the treadmill in 20 minutes?? for SURE! i'm sure that it gets difficult b/c it's after all of that other activity... but... anyway... i'm gunna tri!!!

the stars have just aligned and it's my time. yeah.

309.0, BABY!!!

yep, i've been on vacation - at. my. MOTHER'S!. - for TEN days!!! - and i lost 1.2 pounds!!!!!

success obviously looks different for everyone. i found my way to one person's lj account who lost 20-some pounds in 26 days. or it was 26 pounds in 20 days. this makes me soooooooooooooo jealous. it makes me want to find out what she's doing and do the exact same thing. makes me want to be her... so jealous.

but then i have to look at my ten-day, 1.2 pound loss... and decide. "what's success for me?"

and, it's what i got, so it's success for me.

trying to think differently, trying to ascertain what will work... and not just work for a little bit but work-work, like forever-work... 'this time around'... it makes me look at things differently. and i guess for that i'm glad.

what's success for you today?
  • Current Music
    L&O SVU

a sign of progress...

i will always contend that a sign of progress is a sign of progress.

and sometimes i wonder if my mind creates signs of progress. but instead of that, i'm going to contend that i'm just more perceptive, perhaps even more hopeful. for me, the struggle is always to **sustain** said perceptiveness and hopefulness.

so this morning i was taking a shower. and i do believe that just by standing up straight and stretching, i felt my gut move off my legs on it's own accord.

now, i understand... you're thinking... did she really just say that she felt air and water reach a place that most everyone feels anyway??

yes, i did.

because it's not about how embarassing it is that i've been moving around my gut manually for over a year, it's about the hope there is that it's somehow getting even a itsybitsybit smaller/tighter/more manageable.

and therefore there's hope.

THAT's what i'm talkin about!!!
  • Current Music
    jeff zucker on joe scarborough

keeping perspective...

i've had a could-be-overwhelming sensation the last few days that i've been contemplating: 

how did i let it go this far?

i.e. how did i let myself get to this point? how did i let myself gain this much weight?

these questions result in a minor freak-out when i go: "omgod - i'm never going to get it off..." but thankfully i've been able to calm myself and dismiss these familiar, pessimisstic thoughts. it doesn't really matter how i got this far, why i let myself get to this point. (the point of over-300 pounds - ZOINKS! size 26 jeans and 4x sweatpants - DOUBLEZOINKS!)... but it doesnt' matter. because it is what it is and it was what it was.

i think back to the first time i lost a significant amount of weight. i topped up at 250 pounds, a little more - can't remember exactly.

i'd kill to be at 250 pounds right now this instant.

but, that's not where i'm at and maybe things are getting just a little bit better for me b/c i can accept that and not do a MAJOR freak-out. the kind of freak-out where i get overwhelmed and anxiety-ridden and then fail either before or shortly after i even get started.


here's to not freaking out. and three good workouts this week... going to go for two more. here's to 5.4 pounds gone and more on the way. here's to a healthier perspective that will allow me to keep going.

  • Current Music
    morning joe

312.6, baby!!!

- 5.4, b-a-b-y!!!


and this is in the face of the 12 year old personal trainer i had my "free" appointment with on saturday afternoon. when i told him i had joined sparkpeople and about how many calories i was eating, etc., he said RIGHT TO MY FACE, AS PLAIN AS DAY: "i'll be really surprised if you get any results with that becuase as long as i've been working with people, i've *never* seen a female up that high for calories" ...and then of course he proceeded to try and sell me some kind of breathalizer way of counting how many calories i should consume. never? Never? NEVER? REALLY????

yeah, well that's because you're TWELVE!!!

:;shakes head::

anyway, i'm just so thankful that as much as that distressed me that i did not let it ruin my food for the day. made everything feel EVEN BETTER today!!!

so i still owe my blog my second concern

2. my boobs

so, i have this thing about my boobs.

i like my boobs... they're full and lovely and yummy... they would make a nice handful for any man's hands, i believe... they're a source of pleasure and girliness for me...

unfortunately they also are the product of 100+ lbs of extra weight.

i know from previous weight-loss experiences and attempts-then-subsequent-gains... that when i loose weight, it comes off my boobs first. and i struggle with this. when you're - well, when *i'm* - first losing weight, i look for it to come off anywhere. looking-looking-looking... wanting the fat and the hanging :blech: to just go away. of course, that would be great: if all the problem spots were the first to diminish or disappear. but no, what happens to me, if history proves to repeat itself, the weight will come off my boobs.

i think somewhere deep down inside of me, i must just want to have vulupcious breasts! for myself, yes, but very much as sexual beings in and of themselves... breasts that a man would love to pay attention to, ravish with affection... and i've never *ever* been "perkey" perse, but when they're fuller, they don't fall as far, you know? and when they're smaller, i guess to me they just look like they're laying down more... :(

but then i considered this point. if this is one of my concerns, then might i say that i would want to *not* loose weight in order to keep my full, lovely breasts?


i *have* thought about it...

but no.

my boobs will be my boobs and i'll take what they become, they are what they are, in order to take care of ALL of me. in order to have a healthier heart, to be able to play with my boys and do maintenance on my house, car and garden... to play sports and run the stairs at work... to live longer and with less-to-no disease... to be proud of all of who i am - my BODY. INCLUDED...

i'll go back to microbreasts.
  • Current Music
    2010 mens long program

so today... two concerns...

one is present, one is future, neither is life-threatening or earth-shattering...

1. my poop.

this may not be anything anyone wants to hear about, but for the last three days --- which, coincidently of course coincides with when i started exercising again for the first time in well over a year, year-and-a-half or so --- for the last three days my poop, my, ahem, excrement... has been GREEN. green. Green. as in the color. it's not just a tinge, but virtually all.

::blech:: i'm starting to gag a little, so i'msosorry...

but you know how your body reacts differently when you put different stuff in your body, the output is different. not surprising. not rocket-science. i've heard stories of when .... aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh...

::lightbulb on::

so i've heard of stories when you eat too many carrots and your skin turns yellow; tomatoes, red. i SUPPOSE for sure i've been eating more green vegetables (decision, new direction, makes sense, riiiiiiiiiight??)... but really? REALLY??? yesterday i had asparagus and peapods - about a cup each - and then a **little** bit of spinich and lettuce on a Subway sandwich last night for dinner. but this is not an exordinate amount of green vegetables.

a larger amount than i was eating LAST week??? SURE!!! ABSOLUTELY!!! but enough to turn my poop green?

i'm not sure that makes sense to me yet. perhaps some time on webmd will help me with that today.

and, concern #2 will have to wait until later b/c i'm late for work b/c i got caught up reading fic lol and have to get motorin'...

have a GREAT day!!!
  • Current Music
    TODAY show

My TWO favorite things (right now)...

are Lifetime Fitness and!!!

so, DECISIONS have been going pretty good the last couple of days. it's amazing to me how the old rhythm of activity works toward curbing one's appitite and increasing one's attitude. that said, i am eternally thankful even for these two days of sanity and iam forever hopeful for a lifetime more.

i have been to the gym twice, 22 and 24 minute workouts on the elliptical trainer respectively. i'm not sure they can be called 'workouts' by anyone else's standards, but for me, i'm sweating (for SURE), feeling the cario-pull and my body exerting itself. but that should be the way it goes. i'm just getting started. back into a routine. making room for this, making room for me again in my life.

and might just be my newest-most-favorite thing since sliced bread! it is HUGELY interactive, VERY user-friendly and F-R-E-E!!! what's that?yousay??? FREE!!! yes, FREE! after spending years in an on-again-off-again relationship with, i am estatic. plus, i've noticed at least three different features that i used to thing "should do >>this<<..." ...ah... i love it when somethin's smart and fresh and ON!!! more on that later, i'm sure.

so what's YOUR favorite thing(s) today??
  • Current Music
    way too early with willie giest

it's all about DECISIONS

yep, on Friday i didn't exercise at all and ate a whole take-out (yummy) pizza on my own for dinner.

on Saturday, i ate mcdonald's for bfast, a glazed donut for lunch and some of the valentines candy i bought the kids. i also went and rode an eliptical with a friend, toured and joined lifetime fitness.

today, let's see if i can manage to take in less calories AND go work out! i'm excited to show the club to the boys.... as much as i know i'm a "Y" girl at heart, w-o-w is lifetime big and beautiful! the childcare space has 6-8+ computers, it's so much bigger on the whole, has gym space, separated out for infants (my kids are older, but who's paying attention to them if all the babyies are screaming??)... it's just really nice. so the pros and cons are in, and lifetime it is!

so, what kind of decisions are you going to make today? how do go about making decisions every day about these things that affect us so much?
  • Current Music
    brangelina not divorcing!